This is a delayed blog post written in November 2017
So it feels a bit weird to be blogging retrospectively, this time 2 years ago I’d be typing away at every chance. Honestly, my priorities have shifted. I no longer have a hugely outward facing online persona, and I love it. This is the result of no longer reaching outward for acceptance. I find it within myself, which was the only place it existed in the first place; it just took me a while to get there.
Hopefully that provides a bit of context for the lack of information proceeding this little bit of info: Rachel is pregnant 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂
At time of writing, we are 5 weeks and 5 days. Our little blob’s tummy name is Thumper (we’ve got a bit of a forest animal theme thing going on, and after “Bear” (Hugo) we decided that this little one is going to be an avid mover – a “Thumper” like the bunny rabbit in Bambi).
I knew that our first transfer would work, and so was very calm, so much so that the two week wait was basically a non-event. Quite the pleasant change from the angst-filled ball I was a few months ago.
Rachel is doing so well, though the tired and hungover-ness-without-the-fun of pregnancy is definitely there – poor love. I don’t know why, but it seems to grip me less around the throat hearing about it this time around. Maybe it’s because all in all, things are going smoothly again, and there’s no need to panic. I care without it viscerally affecting me to the point of being ill myself, which I guess is a healthy thing. I am just wishing the smoothest pregnancy in the world for this courageous woman and her little passenger.
Despite my confidence, one can’t help but occasionally wonder “what if things go awry like last time?”. We have been given the option to test for Hugo’s condition, but our decision as a team is yet to be made. While it has a 1% chance of recurrence, the test also carries a 1% chance of miscarriage. 1% might not sound like much; but once lightning has struck once, you can’t help but feel guarded.
I honestly think the decision could go either way. At time of writing, I think I’m leaning towards wanting the test, for a few reasons. If either worst case scenario were to be true, I think we could all deal with a miscarriage better than a super-high-risk pregnancy and having to switch off the life support of another child. Avoiding suffering for both Rachel and the child would be the most important thing for me – and seeing Hugo go through so much just to meet us deeply affected me. Though I would have given everything I have just to meet him, part of me will always wonder if he was in pain. He couldn’t even cry to let us know.
But then, what if the decision to test kills a perfectly healthy child?
At the end of the day my opinion is very guided by the rest of the team – with Rachel’s at the forefront; as her bodily autonomy in this scenario is of absolute utmost importance. It’s a decision that affects us all; which is why it’s so important that we take everyone’s opinions in to account. It’s why having a strong surrogacy team isn’t just a “nice to have”, it’s absolutely necessary, and thankfully, strength and love for one another is something we have in spades.
So we will continue to search our hearts for the right direction to head over the coming weeks, and come to a decision by the time of our viability scan, which is coming up. I am so excited to see a little wriggly jelly bean in my Rach’s tummy, and am equally excited to see our Queensland family once more 🙂